This is a sentence I never thought I’d write, but: I’m kind of bad at watching TV. I missed the last two episodes of American Horror Story, but, from what I’ve heard, it sounds like that’s not necessarily a bad thing, since what I’ve heard mostly involved whimpering and saying that all innocence died in the last episode.  I did catch episode four, and here are my thoughts.  Just imagine them like Tweets I was too lazy to send while watching the episode.  Oh, and: spoilers.  Though I mean, really, I think we’re all pretty clear on what’s going to happen all season.

Also, it’s Halloween.  Here’s a picture of Alice B. Toklas refusing to wear her Yoda costume.

 

Here it goes.

American Horror Story

Coven

Episode Four

“Fearful Pranks Ensue”

Tina Turner looks really angry in the beauty shop.

I feel obligated to mention the fact that contemporary witches would definitely not kill a snake.  Or, like, anything.

These reanimated corpses could really use some Vitamin E cream, possibly also microdermabrasion.

There is a historical link between the disenfranchised and witch trials.  The thing is, though, that the disenfranchised were often accused of witchcraft as a way to, well, kill them.  They weren’t actually witches.  It’s interesting that Murphy uses disenfranchisement as a justification for vengeance in the form of witchcraft – which is often how people justified disenfranchisement and the prosecution/persecution/execution of “witches.”

That creepy cat doll looks just like my cat.

Riff Raff hasn’t aged very well, though I totally could’ve called the dolls.

And, ten minutes in, we get the old hag/young woman situation again, the conflation of female sexuality and violence.  The hag in a red dress, the victim in white.  Fabulous shoes, though.

We also get a literal representation of how a powerful woman silences a man.  Like, literally.

African American woman “accidentally” raises a demon, unaware of her own power. 

There also seems to be an interesting contrast between science/medicine and witchcraft/medicine, which is very much in keeping with what many theorize as a reason the European trials started – a conflict between practitioners of natural medicine and medical practitioners, which also often meant women and men, respectively.

I wish this beauty shop scene could involve a few more stereotypes.

A woman crying because her powers got the best of her and she didn’t intend the consequences of her actions.

Did you forget?  Halloween is SATAN DAY.

They’re wearing some really fabulous aprons on Top Chef tonight.  Lavender and a nice light blue.  This means that Top Chef is making a much more interesting statement about gender roles than AHS.  Also, I think their ideas for dishes are also going to be more interesting and spooky than the plot of AHS.  I mean, EYEBALL CHEESEBALLS.  What more can I say?

This Henry rifles commercial also feels scarier than AHS.

I saw Jessica Lange’s costume at Spencer’s.

Didn’t this sex scene happen in Twilight?

Oh, I forgot about the part where the nice woman isn’t sexually satisfying to her husband.

TEN POINTS TO RAVENCLAW: two members of the council appear to be “hags.”  One is, indeed, a man.

Hey, we’re both really powerful female witches, so let’s diss each others’ style.

OH OF COURSE THE MAN IS GAY.  OH OF COURSE.  BECAUSE GAY MEN ARE EVIL!  HOW COULD I FORGET!

Incidentally, witches in Salem were more often crushed than burned.

And here’s the idea that women turn to witchcraft because they lack “charisma,” which of course relates to femininity and sexuality.

This Kraken rum commercial is definitely scarier than AHS.

All of these risotto ball dishes on Top Chef look delicious.

Oh hey, in case you forgot, women are supposed to be attracted to men who are aloof and treat them like objects.  And if they act on their sexual urges, they’ll get shot.  That’s important too.

Professor Trelawney looks awful with red hair.

There’s Fiona, super sexual, and then an obviously intellectual, Modcloth-clad girl.  Searching for truth.  I’m betting something bad is about to happen and it’s going to happen to a man.

Note: she is smug in her intelligence.

There we go.  There goes Riff Raff’s tongue.  So, the witch with good intentions isn’t able to control or understand her own powers, and something goes wrong.  But Fiona has a lot of power and a lot of control. 

And sexuality trumps intelligence.  Again.  Forever.

Angela Bassett is killing it in this recreation of Britney Spears’ VMA performance.

WTF?  The Top Chef judges aren’t happy about all of these risotto balls.

I really wish there was some way that AHS could show that a woman’s power completely emasculates a man.  Oh, what?  Riff Raff just put on an Easter bonnet to have tea with his dead girl doll?  Upon whom he is probably going to exercise his frustration in really gruesome and totally wrong necrophiliac ways because Fiona has been denying him sexually?  Oh, good.

10:58 p.m. on October 31rst, 2013: my guess? The girl with Down’s Syndrome is the next supreme.

AHS took a very Infinite Jest turn there.  Poor Witchy PGOAT.

Oh.  Look.  Zombies.