This is usually my least favorite day of the year. It’s the only day I hate more than Daylight Savings Time day, when the world so cruelly steals an hour from me.
I might hate today so much because I’ve been in a relationship on only three of my thirty-three Valentine’s Days, and those three exceptions don’t really count. On the first exception, I was in a long-distance relationship and therefore still alone, which meant I had to soothe all of my feelings with Chinese take-out, at which point I discovered that I was severely allergic to this particular form of Chinese take-out when I went into anaphylactic shock and had to drive myself to the Emergency Room. The second exception I don’t really remember because I had a severe concussion at the time. I think banana leaves were involved. The third exception super doesn’t count because my boyfriend broke up with me on Valentine’s Day, so really I guess I was only in a relationship for part of that day, which means I’ve been in a relationship on only two and a half of my thirty-three Valentine’s Days, none of which really count.
Needless to say, I typically spend most of Valentine’s Day feeling super sorry for myself. But this year, something changed. I think that something is that I finally realized that the only reason I felt so bad on Valentine’s Day is that I made myself feel so bad on Valentine’s Day. I focused on the fact that I was alone, but I didn’t allow in the fact that sometimes, being alone is pretty awesome. I didn’t allow in the fact that I can be alone and be happy — and that I was the person in charge of my happiness.
So this year, I decided to have the happiest single Valentine’s Day EVER, which required making some ground rules for myself. Here’s a peek into what the happiest single Valentine’s Day EVER looks like, along with some Do’s and Don’ts:
DO start your day by doing something awesome for yourself. Here, I’m starting the day with a writing session, which felt awesome. Also, you’ll notice that my fingernail polish looks awful, but I took the picture anyway. That’s because in order to have a successful best single Valentine’s Day ever, it is imperative that you DON’T worry about shizz as little as chips in your nail polish, girlfriend.
DON’T listen to that one Lucinda Williams song that always makes you cry. That is not the kind of Valentine’s Day you are going to have because you DON’T need to cry this Valentine’s Day — although, since this is the best single Valentine’s Day ever, if you DO cry, you are totally going to do an amazing job at it.
DO allow Beyoncé Knowles, the patron saint of single ladies and booty-poppin’ pioneer, serve as your Valentine’s Day sherpa.
DO wear as much eyeliner as you feel like wearing. DON’T wear this much eyeliner in the hopes of somehow attracting a mate with whom to share Valentine’s Day. DO wear this much eyeliner because eyeliner is awesome and you are awesome and you can do whatever you WANT, even if it involves a dramatic cat-eye and yoga pants.
DO choose jewelry and accessories that remind you that the world is awesome and you are one awesome part of this world, such as a sparkly Pegasus necklace that symbolizes the flawless fierceness inside of your soul. DON’T care if someone will think you’re weird because you’re 33 and wearing a Pegasus necklace because WHIMSY TRUMPS ALL.
DO practice your Beyoncé face in the car. This is very important. DON’T worry that your Beyoncé face isn’t awesome enough because the whole point of the Beyoncé face is that EVERY BEYONCÉ FACE IS AWESOME ENOUGH.
DO go pick up your prescription fiber supplement and DON’T feel embarrassed about that. Loving yourself means loving ALL of yourself, even the all of yourself that requires prescription fiber supplements, so DON’T get that twisted.
DON’T be embarrassed about ordering a gendered Happy Meal. DO get excited when you see, inside of that gendered Happy Meal, a holographic cup that embodies all of the awesome you could ever imagine. DO recognize that the Lego Unicorn Kitty who changes from super-happy to super-fierce is your spirit animal. DON’T stop appreciating how awesome that is, or how awesome the very idea of holograms are.
DO spring for the fanciest Prosecco on sale at the Bi-Lo because YOU ARE WORTH IT, and DON’T forget that.
DO wear enormous sunglasses. DON’T stop with the Beyoncé face when you start wearing sunglasses. DO incorporate hand gestures.
DO change the words to “All the Single Ladies” to indicate the fact that you can put your own damn ring on it your own damn SELF.
DON’T be ashamed of being a cat lady. DO remember that your cats are single ladies just like yourself. DO help them to have the best single Valentine’s Day ever too by giving them absurd toys with absurd amounts of catnip in them. DON’T attempt to dance with them to Beyoncé songs. They will so not like it. They will hurt your face, they will so not like it.
DON’T be ashamed of that fact that you DO put on pajamas as soon as you come home, and DO recognize that fox socks win forever.
DO find a crazy recipe on Pinterest and attempt to replicate it. Or DON’T because you DON’T feel like cooking, which is totally okay. If you DON’T feel like cooking, DO order food for delivery, as long as you DON’T feel embarrassed about answering the door in your pajamas.
DO finally use that Bellini mix your mom bought you like six months ago. DO use your holographic Lego Unicorn Cup. DO consider adding your fiber supplement into the mix.
And remember, ladies — tell’em, I woke up like this.
I WOKE UP LIKE THIS.